Teenagers: Anger and Violence by Charlotte Wellen

What Do You Do When Your Teen Won’t Stop Using Anger and Violence

in a Reasonable Amount of Time?

A parent has written to ask, "What else is there to be done if a person doesn't want to stop being violent?" This can best be illustrated with another story.

 A few years ago, a young lady (I'll call her Ruby), had a drug issue and one day she came to school under the influence of some drug or other that she had taken the night before. She normally had a good relationship with me. She was in her 1st Period English class and I called her to the Choices room because she had blown up in an aggressive way the day before and had been referred for a mediation with a teaching assistant.

 When she came into the choices room, I said, "Welcome, Ruby! How are you today?" She answered calmly, rationally, in a friendly way, until I said, "You've been invited to a mediation with Ms. ___ . Are you ready for that today?" At that point, she began to resist, vociferously! "I will NOT EVER mediate with her!!! She deserved the anger I threw at her!!!! She had an attitude toward me and I'm never ever going to apologize or straighten it out. I'm going to talk to her as mean as I want every time I see her from now on. I HATE her! I HATE her!" It was like she had turned on a stream of anger and hate and she had jumped right into the middle of it. She was suddenly unwilling to listen to me at all. She would not calm herself down.

 After a few minutes of watching her revving herself up and piling fuel on her anger fire, I told her that if she couldn't calm herself down in a few minutes, I was going to need to have her go home and return tomorrow with a parent so we could make a plan together. At this, Ruby decided to interpret me as attacking her, no matter how calm I was. She stood up and said, "I'm going back to my English class now!" I said, "I'm sorry, Ruby, but you're too upset to go to your English class. I'm going to need you to stay up here until you're able to talk calmly to me."

 In her more rational moments, she would definitely have listened to me and begun to calm down. But my best guess is that under the influence of the drug, she was finding it challenging to tone down the emotion. She raced out of the office and down the hallway and we had to have teachers lock their rooms as she ranted and raved. I ended up calling the police to remove her for disorderly conduct, but she left on her own accord before they could arrive.

 Two days later, she returned to school and did a remarkable mediation with me, taking full ownership of her behavior and planning with me various ways to help herself learn to calm down. She told me, "I have been wrecking my entire life with this level of anger and you are the calmest person I know. Even you had to resort to calling the police to deal with me. I REALLY don't want the police in my life. I'm afraid of myself sometimes. I'm afraid my own mother and siblings are going to throw me out if I put out this much anger. It scares them, too. My boyfriend has threatened to leave me if I show this kind of anger around him again."

 So, after we had mended the relationship and after she had reassured me she was ready to return to classes, we planned out some things she could do if she felt extraordinary anger again (such as say, "Please don't talk to me right now. I need to go calm myself down somewhere alone and dark." or "I would like to have the HeartMath machine to practice calming myself down. I'll come back to talk to you when I've gotten the lights to go all green."). I agreed to remind her of those options and to get out of her way to allow her to put them into practice. She agreed not to take the anger out into the school, so that I would feel inclined to call the police.

 We never had a single other problem over the next 8 months before her graduation. I believe that she did frighten herself at how far she was willing to encourage her anger, even given someone urging her to calm down, someone she trusted. And once she was able to make a plan, she realized that the anger wasn't "having her," but that she was choosing it and that she didn't really WANT to choose it at school again, so she didn't. Once or twice, she asked to use the HeartMath machine, but other than that, she remained more or less a model student through graduation, even including a very stressful last week of school in which she was racing to complete several challenging projects to at least a B level, in time to walk across the stage. She ended up working late into the night just before graduation, and stayed calm throughout (and very proud of her efforts, too).

 I believe that our relationship was maintained because I remained calm in the face of her hurricane. She was able to best her own furious anger because she wanted to rise to the challenge my calmness placed before her. She wanted to be proud of herself and I think she wanted me to be proud of her efforts, too. If I had given in to my own inclinations of yelling back when attacked, I believe that it would have seriously damaged our relationship. I would have shown myself to be untrustworthy in an important way, someone she couldn't show this anger to safely. Still, that didn't mean that she wanted to continue to show the anger. It seems that once was enough for her to learn that it was really not a monster inside of her that she couldn't control. She wasn't a victim of the anger, but was choosing it herself and could choose not to indulge in it, as well, which felt much better. This is a life lesson and I felt honored to be there to watch it taking place.

Choice Theory and Spirituality Q/A by Rhon V. Carleton

Question: "I was wondering how the bible compares to choice theory
especially when you have verses in proverbs that say he who spares the
rod hates his son and also what does choice theory say about demon
possession and the spiritual world? Also, when the bible talks about all have sinned and fall short of God's glory and that we need to be saved. How does choice theory view these things?"

Answer:  Let me first mention that I have been associated with Dr.
Glasser and the WGI for 35 years. The comments I will share are my
understanding of Dr. Glasser's take on these topics. Dr. Glasser has
deliberately stayed away from couching choice theory and reality therapy within the context of any world religious view.  He seeks to offer his theory of how the human brain works
to choose behaviors based upon his observations, study and conclusions which
will apply equally to persons of all faiths, races, cultures and
nationalities. I was drawn to the study of CT/RT when I came to realize that this is the
closest secular system to a biblical understanding of human behavior. In
theological terms, I believe that Dr. Glasser has received his sincular,
unsurpassed understanding through "general revelation" which God gives to
all people.There is a biblical reference in Romans 1: 20 which reads: "For
since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities---his eternal
power and divine nature---have been clearly seen being understood from what
has been made,..." Dr. Glasser has used general revelation in
uncovering the way our brains work to chose need-fulfilling behaviors
to get what we want the most now.

CT would agree that every human being has a basic need for freedom
(mankind's nature is that he/she is free to choose). Each person chooses to
place pictures that he/she believes to be most need fulfilling in his
Quality World. This would include pictures of systems of faith and
morality. We may choose to include pictures of God, religion and references
to child discipline in our Quality World. You mentioned the verse that
speaks of "he who spares the rod hates his son." Many are raised by parents
who practiced physical discipline in nurturing children. "No pain, no
gain!" Choice Theory defers to the procedures of reality therapy in having
adults and children alike self-evaluate their behavior and make better
choices. The only time I heard Dr. Glasser advocate spanking is when the
young child may be choosing a life threatening behavior such as running in
front of moving cars. There has been a children's made-up game called
"Yikes!" where a child deliberately runs in front of a moving car. This
would be such an incidence when spanking may be in order.

You also mentioned, "what does CT say about demon possession and thespiritual world?" I referred to placing pictures of our spiritual beliefsin our quality world. They are sometimes harder to take out of our quality world than to put them in. Pictures of our beliefs about demon possession will also be placed in our quality world when we see them as need-fulfilling. CT does not have a statement of belief concerning
theological positions of demon possession or any other specific religious
doctrines. Instead, if a person chooses one or more of the seven deadly
habits, we help them self-evaluate the consequences of such behaviors and to
choose to replace them with the seven caring habits (see Matthew 7:1-2,
Romans 2:1, John 12:47-48 and Luke 6:38).*

Your last observation was, "... when the bible talks about 'all have sinned
and fallen short of God's glory' and that we need to be saved, how does
choice theory view these things? Both CT and Judaeo-Christian faith believe
that mankind was created good. The Judaeo-Christian belief is that mankind
was tempted and chose through freedom to go against God's perfect will. In
CT the origin of temptation comes through our creative reorganization
process that pops pictures of need fulfilling alternative behaviors without
regard to morality. We may choose a need fulfilling behavior which we
believe to be against God's will (sin) and join all of humanity who have
done likewise. CT and scripture talk of "guilting" behaviors. Dr. Glasser
once said that "if we chose to guilt enough, it will keep us from doing the
temptation again." The scriptures talk about "being saved" from the cycle
of sin and moving toward reconciliation with others and God (see I
Corinthians 10:13, Hebrews 4:15, I John 1:9, and Psalm 32:5). Christians
usually believe the concept that Jesus Christ, the redeemer, paid the price
of the punishment we deserve for our sinning. He could do this because he
had no sin of his own and willingly died for for those who believe in him as
Savior, that they may have eternal life (John 3:16) living in God's eternal
kingdom. Choice Theory uses the procedures of reality therapy to establish
reconciliation in relationships between people and the God of their belief
system.

A Free Tool to Try: Standardized Needs Assessment by Masaki Kakitani

 Are you interested in knowing empirically what your need strengths actually are in the workplace? Well, Masaki Kakitani has developed just such an instrument. He normed and validated his tool within Japanese culture and is currently attempting to do the same for English-speaking cultures. He is looking for English-speaking people to take his Basic Needs Profile. The good news is that until it has been normed, you can take it for free. That's right, FREE! To access the assessment, go to https://marc.achievement.co.jp/bnt/, create your profile, take the assessment and get your results. You can help out a fellow colleague and get valuable information for yourself. Sounds like a win/win to me!

CT/RT and Power Tools by Mona Dukin

All of us seek identity, significance, purpose and power. The power need is the need to feel important and to be appreciated for who we are and for what we do. The power need is met through confidence, being heard and understood, accomplishments and in the giving and receiving of service and respect.

Motivational speaker Les Brown has six “Tools to Reclaim Your Power” that I think applies to the continuation of Dr. Glasser’s his life-changing Reality Therapy and Choice Theory concepts and legacy. Here is my brief interpretation of Les’s tools.

1.  It’s possible. When you have an idea that will benefit self and mankind it is possible that you can implement it. If anyone else in the entire world has done something out-of-the-box, then it is possible that you, too, can do something beyond your current skill level, whether simple or exemplary. 

2.  It’s necessary. Once you begin the possible it becomes a need to carry through. Having left a place of safety it is necessary to broaden one's comfort zone. It becomes a white-heat passion that must be fulfilled.

3.  It’s you.  Others may in time come alongside to assist, guide or carry on but initially the weight is on your own shoulders. It is dependent upon your own unlimited belief in yourself. It is you investing your time, your energy and your resources into a fledgling concept. It is you motivating you to keep on keeping on, to continue when everything within says "Quit". 

4.  It’s hard. An airplane needs resistance to fly. Mechanically - as well as physically and emotionally - it is hard to overcome pull and drag in order to soar. It is hard to keep up momentum when others may think you are crazy. It is hard to get up after a seeming defeat. It is hard to push for change in a complacent, smug, self-satisfied world.

5.  It’s worth it. Your second wind kicks in, the goal is in sight and nothing will stop you now. The rewards, small and no-so-small, begin to collect and grow. You are filled with gratitude to God, family, associates and the world for what you have learned and how you have grown in the journey.

6.  Its finished. This is the most beautiful part. Even before crossing the finish line, your dream has taken on a life of its own and it will succeed in spite-of-you, with or without you. Your legacy is intact and will be passed on to future generations.

Dr. Glasser and Carlene and the Board can rest in the momentum created by his 85 years thus far on planet Earth. The Institute – nay, the people who have dipped into Dr. Glasser’s ideas and gained strength from them – has come too far to turn back now.  Let us be like Tim-the-tool-man-Taylor and add “more power” to our “teaching the world Choice Theory”. When inspiration calls, answer the phone and give it directions to find you.

Mona Dunkin, RT/CT/LM

Motivational Speaker and Corporate Trainer

Practicum Supervisor, The William Glasser Institute

Solution Principles

P O Box 774

Elm Mott, TX  76640

www.monadunkin.com  www.monadunkin.blogspot.com