Recently, in talking with a friend who is beginning to study Choice Theory, he mentioned that he wasn’t sure we really had meaningful choices because the people in our relationships are doing things and we have feelings as a result of their actions. He felt that we were somehow trapped in our relationships and raised the question, “Is our only choice to accept what they say and do, or to leave the relationship?”
I believe that he has put his finger on an essential misunderstanding of Choice Theory that most people run into when learning it. I know I did. In fact, I went into the office and quit my teaching job at Murray High School after the first two months because I was stuck in that misunderstanding. Happily, I learned more Choice Theory, and I’m still at Murray, 23 years later.
The first axiom of Choice Theory is, “The only behavior we can control is our own.” Most of us believe that we are making some choices in our lives, but we feel that we are being controlled by many people around us and that there is little we can do about that. We feel trapped, we feel like the victims of the choices others are making. This is an understandable first interpretation of axiom #1.
It is certainly a fact that others are attempting to control us and we are often attempting to control them, but according to Dr. Glasser, we are not successful. No one can control our choices.
We can't control the choices of the people around us, either. This means that we are all on a planet with others who are doing whatever they want. We are dealing all day long with what others are choosing to do. Their choices are impacting our lives in important ways. This includes the people we love. We aren't in charge of them, either, and they aren't in charge of us.
When they do something that impacts us, we are not trapped by that choice, however. We get to make choices about how we're going to handle what they’ve done, how we're going to feel about it, even if we’re going to stay in the relationship. However, we don’t get to choose what THEY do. We only get to choose what WE do. Like the example of the dirty kitchen in my previous blog entry, I can’t choose whether or not my husband leaves the dirty dishes in the kitchen. I can choose, however, whether I want to clean the kitchen and whether I want to feel angry with my husband or not.
We definitely feel an initial “jab” of emotion before we have a chance to really think about what we want. But when we learn Choice Theory, Reality Therapy, and Lead Management, we see that we can slow down that moment, that jab of emotion, and wait before we lash out at someone.
We can think through what is going on, what the other person is probably trying to accomplish by what s/he did, and what we really truly want out of the situation. We can slow our responses down so far that we can think through how we want to answer, what the most likely results will be if we answer in certain ways, and if we want to deal with those results.
For instance, if we feel hurt by something our beloved says to us, we can decide to slow down that moment and think through the feeling. We could just say, "You horrible person! You hurt me! How could you? What kind of person would do what you did? What's the matter with you? I hate you!"
OR we could say, "I'm feeling hurt by what you just said/did. I really value our relationship and I don't want to damage it, so would you please tell me what you want here? What led you to talk to me that way? Did I do something to upset you? If so, I'd like to apologize and clear the air so we can start over. I'd like us to have a great day together, if we can organize it. What can we do to straighten this out?"
I think it's pretty obvious that the first response, which is all too common in most relationships, is what Dr. Glasser calls a “disconnecting” comment. It will bring about more conflict because it's filled with judgment and even personal insults. It's creating more things that will need to be worked out to get back to a normal feeling between you.
Whereas, the second comment lets the person know that you value them, that you are hurt, but you’re trying to take care of the relationship and to listen to what the issues are without judgment. Clearly, that response is MUCH more likely to end up with two loving people when the smoke clears.
Recently, my husband and I have developed a technique when one of us snipes at the other for no good reason, just because we didn't take the time necessary to think through a loving response and just gave ourselves permission to jump on the other one with anger or frustration. We say, "Let's just pretend that never happened."
It sounds funny, in a way, like a joke, but that sentence lets the other person know that we are taking responsibility for having just acted in a way that could hurt the relationship and that we don't really have a good reason for doing it and that we would like to wipe the slate clean and start over with a good heart.
So far, every time one of us has thought to say, “Let’s just pretend that never happened,” the problem is over. We smile in acknowledgment of our humanity, and we move on, without hard feelings. It works quite well, actually. And if one of us wasn't willing to just "pretend it never happened," then we could stop and work it out.
If we learn enough Choice Theory we will be able to see that we are not victims of one another’s bull-headedness. We can work hard to choose behaviors that will protect our relationships, not hurt them. If we feel that our friends or family members have made a choice that is hurtful, we can remember that if we do the same in return, the relationship suffers. We can work to learn better methods of talking together, like Dr. Glasser’s Solving Circle, that help us get through our initial desires to make a revengeful, power-over comment. Instead, if we can remember to make a comment that clarifies our needs, without hurting the relationship, we will feel a rush that truly meets our power needs. This rush will be based on the knowledge that we are strong enough to get what we want in our Quality Worlds, a long-lasting, supportive relationship with a person who matters to us.
Charlotte Wellen, Murray High School Teacher, Basic Intensive Instructor
wellen1@earthlink.net Comments Welcomed!
